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ParodyCraft Chapter 3
Story by Koss_Knights.
Just use your knowledge of Warcraft 3 and use your imagination.
ENJOY!
Night has fallen upon the Barrens. Who knows what adventures our hero will face now? We join them near the Orcish encampment, where the Chieftain and his loyal men search for an item of untold power! An item so all-important, the very world hangs in the balance …
Chieftain: So, none of you found my car keys?
Grunt Commander: Chieftain, we’ve been searching for hours! We don’t know where they are. Can we just move on with our mission? The journey to the Human Castle won’t take long. I suggest we look for the keys after our mission is complete.
Chieftain: Very well, let’s move on then.
1 hour later, the army comes across a fork in the road. Which way will they go?
Grunt Commander: Chieftain, why did we stop?
Chieftain: There are two roads here, each with their own sign. Let’s see here. Left—Human
Castle, 20 miles. “Enjoy the sights and smooth traveling.” Right—Human Castle, Abandoned Road, 100 miles. “Dangerous and Extremely Painful Journey.”
Grunt 1: Well Chieftain, then I guess it’s settled. The choice is clear. We take the left road.
Chieftain: No! It’s a trick! They’re lying to us! Quick, drag me to the right road, we will journey through there!
Grunt Commander: Are you insane, Chieftain! That road will doom our entire army! We’ll be eaten alive by the monsters that lie in wait for us! Our every step will give our army pain and misery! We’ll never get to the Human Castle! All they’ll ever find will be our bleached bones, and broken armor! Do you hear me Chieftain?! We’re doomed! Doo-
Chieftain: Snore! …zzzzzzzzzz….snore! zzzzzzzz…..zzzzzzzz….
Grunt Commander: CHIEFTAIN!! WAKE UP!
Chieftain: zzzzzz…!!! Snort, wha? GRAB YOUR SWORDS MEN, THEY’RE ATTACKING! Die, Demon, DIE!
Grunt 1: Wahhh! Don’t, ahhh! <Squish>
Grunt 3: He..he sat on him…
Grunt Commander: I think he’s…dead.
Chieftain: Huh?! Oh, it was only a dream. Hmm, I think I sat on something.
Commander Grunt: That would be one of my men…chieftain…
Chieftain: Take heart, young ones. He’ll be fine.
Grunt 3: Uh…commander? His spleen is on my boot.
Grunt Commander: I guess when you hit old age, all that muscle sags down to your… well, you know.
Meanwhile, back at the Orcish Encampment…
Orchish Warlord: We are truly living in dark times. Have the scouts reported yet?
Advisor: No, sir. Not a word. I’m afraid that if we don’t get the shipment soon, it’ll be all over.
Orcish Warlord: I’ve waited to long for this day to come! This can’t be happening! I can only hope Lok’tar shines upon us in this moment of dread.
Advisor: Sir! The scouts have just returned! The shipment is safe! I suggest you go out, and talk to your men.
15 minutes later…
Orcish Warlord: Great warriors, I have an important announcement! The shipment we have all been waiting for has…ARRIVED!
All Grunts in the room: W00T! PARTY TIME!
Orcish Warlord: That’s right! The beer’s arrived! Grab your glasses and fill them up, ‘cause we’re going to party all NIGHT!
All Grunts: FOR THE HORDE! YAAARRR! (Everyone takes a swig.)
And so, with the beer shipment safe, the brave orcs can now get as wasted as only a true warrior can. But what of the brave Chieftain and his Legion of Orcs (minus one)? How are they faring?
Let’s see…
Grunt 5: We’ve been walking for hours…and not a single enemy! Perhaps the chieftain was right? Maybe the left road WAS a trick!
Meanwhile, at the fork in the road.
Footmen: Which way, Paladin?
Paladin: Well, obviously not the right one! Why in the hell did I put the danger sign on that road?
Footmen: Because…it’s dangerous?
Paladin: You must’ve graduated top in your class. Only fools would venture forth that way…
Footmen: But, look! Tons of tracks and footprints! Leading toward the right road.
Paladin: Those poor devils…
And back at the Right Road, the Legion of Grunts moves on. Just then!
Grunt Commander: Look! That shadow! It might be a monster! Keep your axes ready men. There’s no reason to panic. Just keep calm, like the Chieftain is right….now…oh, no. Not again…
Chieftain: DEFEND YOURSELVES! DEMONS! DEMONS FROM THE BLACK PIT OF HELL ITSELF! LET ME AT HIM! I’LL SMITE HIM WITH HONOR!
Grunt 4: Groan! Chieftain! Don’t move so much! Your Drag the Hero Around Aura is too much for us…
Chieftain: Quick! Slay it! Slay it, before it kills us all!
And just then, out of the blackness of the trees, comes the shadow, into the moonlight. And out comes a terrifying, powerful…
Grunt 2: A PIG?! Commander, it’s just a pig!
Grunt Commander: …perhaps the chieftain over-reacted…it’s only a harmless pig…
Chieftain: Everyone! Get back! I’ll slay the demon pig! Swoosh!
Grunt 6: Oww! My foot! He stabbed my foot with his halberd!
Chieftain: Oh, sorry. Swoosh! I got it! Now we have something to eat!
Grunt 8: But there’s a legion of us…(minus one.)
2 hours later, with camp set up, the grunt commander is conversing with one of his men.
Grunt Commander: What the hell is that Chieftain smoking anyway?! He went ballistic!
Grunt 10: Well, he calls it his “peace pipes.” He says they make you at peace with the earth. He said if you smoke enough, you can “see your ancestors.” All I saw was my wife! Gah, as if I didn’t have enough nightmares!
And back at the Orcish Encampment…
Orc sentry: Warlord! Reinforcements have arrived…with MORE BEER! W00T!
All grunts: MY LIFE FOR THE HORDE! (Everyone takes a long swig.)