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ParodyCraft Chapter 4
Story by Koss_Knights.
And just when you thought you would never see another chapter again…
Night has given way to Day…in the Orcish Encampment, the brave warriors of yesterday are still fighting a battle against one MAJOR hangover…sadly, a losing battle. And at the Chieftains Campsite, the legion of grunts (minus one) have already packed up and are ready to journey forth, toward the Human Castle.
Grunt 2: Chieftain, let’s move on. We’re ready to leave.
Chieftain: Alright men! Let’s move toward those trees! Onward!
Grunt 2: …but behind those trees are solid cliffs and rock…that area is impossible to navigate…
Chieftain: Then I’ll get a path through those trees and cliffs using my mighty halberd! Stand back, and witness my awesome power!
The Tauren Chieftain moves toward a particularly large bolder; he sizes it up, shrugs his mighty head, and shifts toward a smaller bolder, and then an even smaller one, until…
Chieftain: Ah! This is as good a place to start as any! Stand back! Everyone, steer clear!
Grunt 100: He’s not really going to bother with that small rock is he?
Grunt Commander: I’m afraid so…and do you know what the sad part is?
Grunt 100: What? You graduated last in officer school, got insulted by everyone in your class for being a moron, teacher included? Then your wife left you for your best friend, your burrow was taken away, you lost your son to a horrible axe-training incident, and then you learned you were really adopted? Then, as a joke, your superior officers gave you a dead end job babysitting a senile, old hero? If that’s the sad part, then I already know all about it, sir.
Grunt Commander: uh…ahem. No, I didn’t mean it that way…I meant that the Chieftain isn’t even about to assault a rock…just a dirt clod he thinks is a rock.
Grunt 100: Oh. Ah-ha. Ahem. Err, I’ll still get this months paycheck, right? Eh-heh.
The Grunt Commander glowers angrily at Grunt 3, then says:
Grunt Commander: Front of the line. You’ll be the 1st to attack and be attacked in case of an ambush or full-frontal assault. In fact, I’m also assigning you to dragging duty. Have fun dragging the Chieftain around when he turns on his “mighty” aura.
Grunt 100: …me and my big mouth…funny that’s what his wife said back in…
Grunt Commander: WHAT?! WHAT DID I HEAR YOU SAY?!
Grunt 100: Oh! Uh...nothing, nothing at all.
Grunt Commander: To the front! NOW!
Meanwhile, in the back line, excited orc warriors wait for their chieftain to destroy a…dirt clod.
Grunt 890: Yawn! I can’t believe he’s still preparing to attack that thing. Is he trying to work his “Drag the Hero Around” Aura or something?
Chieftain: Snore! Zzzzzz…
Grunt 891: Err…he fell asleep…again.
Grunt 879: I’ll poke him. It should wake him up.
And so, the grunt approaches the Tauren Chieftain, and gives him a mighty poke in the back…
Chieftain: Zzzz…..*snort!* DEMONS! BACK TO TAKE ME AWAY! NEVER! SLAY THEM ALL! Swoosh!
Grunt 6: …ow. He…missed my foot this time…but…got something more valuable…
Grunt 890: Lok’tar have mercy! Right in the family jewels!
Grunt 891: What the hell was he doing in the back line anyway?
Grunt 6: I…was…replaced in the front…help…pain…excruciating…bleeding…from a place I shouldn’t…self-narration helping me slightly…
Chieftain: Oh no! The demons have possessed him! I must perform an exorcism!
Grunt 879: Actually, he was only sliced in the…*
Chieftain: I SHALL SMOTHER YOU WITH MY MIGHTY AURA! Yar! *squish*
Grunt Commander: Oh no! He sat on another one! Chieftain, for the last time, your aura doesn’t heal our warriors!
Chieftain: Take heart, I’m only exorcising the demons in this warrior’s body.
Grunt Commander: …by sitting on them. And I went to elite officer college for this…?
Grunt 100: You never went to elite officer college! You went to community Officer College, for “special” cases. That’s what your wife said anyway…
Grunt Commander: What the hell are you doing back here anyway!? Get back to the front! NOW!
Grunt 100: Excuse me Commander, but there is a warden and a band of several night elves blocking our path…
Grunt Commander: Only several?! And they’re blocking a legion of us?! I must see this for myself.
Chieftain: I shall go too!
And so, with a great heave, the chieftain gets up, leaving a broken yet “exorcised” body. At the front-line…
Grunt 1: Lok’tar! Look at the middle one! Meeeow!
Grunt 2: Hubba, Hubba! They’re armored in ALL the right places!
Grunt 5: Is that what you call their bikinis? Yeehaw!
Grunt Commander: What’s the hold-up, men, what’s goin-oh. I see. I’m happily married, however. Their good looks will not affect me.
Grunt 100: Well, I’m glad your keeping true to your vows, commander. You’re very kind as well. Sharing your wife and all…
Grunt Commander: …sharing…? WHAT?! GET BACK HERE!
Grunt 50: There goes another one…they either run away or get sat on by our hero…we lose more good grunts that way…
Warden: You will not pass through here! It is a sacred place! Before the Barrens were formed, the Night Elves built a great city here. This place was once a peaceful, lush place. Filled with trees, and gardens, this place was a sanctuary for traveling night elves and the denizens of the Kalimdor Continent. We protected this place for eons, and helped all those in need. You are strangers, and you may not pass anywhere near the ruins of the once great city of…hey! Are you even paying attention?!
Legion of Grunts and Chieftain: Snore! Zzzzzzz….snore….zzzzzzz….snore…
Warden: Groan! Archers! Jiggle a little bit. It will get their attention.
As the night elves jiggle their…main form of attack, the grunts awaken from their slumber.
Warden: I see a Chieftain is in your force. We shall settle this in a 1vs1 hero battle. Step forth.
Chieftain: If only we had a hero commanding our forces!
Grunt Commander: Uh…you’re the hero.
Chieftain: Oh. We’re screwed then…
And so, with confidence brimming within the chieftain and his troops, the great hero steps forth to challenge the Warden. With his troops support and confidence, he’ll be sure to win!
Grunt Commander: We’re doomed.
Grunt 4: I hope he finally dies…uh, I mean, go chieftain, go!
Warden: Let’s see if you can catch me when I use: Blink!
Chieftain: Huh?! Where’d she go?! Where’d she go?! SHE-DEMON! MOO! DEMON FROM HADE’S GATES!
Warden: ? I didn’t use that ability yet…I’m right here…in front of you.
Grunt 7: Did he just “moo”?
Warden: Hmm, I guess I should start! SHADOW STRIKE!
With that said, the warden releases her poisoned dagger, which hits the Chieftain at high speeds.
Warden: Ha! It’s over! The poison will slowly…kill…you?
Grunt Commander: It’s stuck under his armpit…
Chieftain: Hmm? Oh, you dropped something. Here, catch!
Warden: No!
The Chieftain hurls the dagger back, and it hits the warden in the heart. 5 minutes later, she is dead, and the night elf archers disband…much the grunts dismay.
Grunt Commander: Well…that’s one way of doing it…let’s move on. We’re almost near the castle.
Meanwhile…
Paladin: Damn, where’s my book? I must’ve dropped it while we were traveling…
Footmen: This does not bode well, sire. That book contains all your spells…
Paladin: No, not really. My spell book is chained to my hip. I’m talking about the book I took from the public library. Did you see it anywhere?
Footmen: …and they wonder why the Undead took control of Lordereon so easily…
And so, the tides of battle are staring to flow…tune in next time, when the Orcs start their siege of the Castle…hopefully.
Chapter 5 to come when I have some more time again.