Far Seer

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ParodyCraft Chapter 1

Story by Koss_Knights.

Just use your knowledge of warcraft 3 and use your imagination.


In the deep wastes of the Barrens … a Human Castle stands atop a cliff. This bastion of human power has not gone unobserved. The Orcish Horde has learned of its secret location and it wishes to destroy it. A brave Tauren Chieftain has decided to aide a legion of orcs to take the castle … by FORCE!

Ye Olde Interview:

Orcish Warlord: So, you’re a hero?

Chieftain: Last time I checked.

Orcish Warlord: As a hero, you have certain spells and abilities? Hmm….you’re a Tauren Chieftain. According to your resume, of course.

Chieftain: I have a resume?

Orcish Warlord: Err…when you become a hero, the Altar Association makes up a resume. You didn’t know what?

Chieftain: Well, I’m a little senile with age…maybe all those “peace pipes” hurt me a bit too…

Orcish Warlord: You’re senile? Uh, let’s get off that subject. Let’s take a look at the abilities section of your resume. First up: War Stomp.

Chieftain: Uh, more like a War Gimp now. I broke my hoof recently. I won’t stun units anymore. Instead, I limp at them dangerously.

Orcish Warlord: <Long Pause> Ok…let’s look at your 2nd skill. Endurance Aura. It still works, correct?

Chieftain: Well, not since Woodstock. Now it’s more like: Drag the Hero Around Aura. I’m so tired focusing my mind on working the aura, my troops have to drag me around the battlefield.

Orcish Warlord: Uh…well, let’s look at your 3rd skill. Shockwave. At least THAT works, right? You’ve still got some muscle in you!

Chieftain: Actually, it doesn’t work very well anymore. I don’t have enough strength in me to swing my halberd. I use it as a walking stick now. But I can use: Swing at Them Menacingly. I shake my fist and complain at them.

Orcish Warlord: Does that work like a Mountain Giant’s taunt skill?

Chieftain: Yes, yes it does. Except when I use the Swing at Them Menacingly skill, they don’t attack. They laugh instead. Then my army could get free hits.

Orcish Warlord: Excellent! You stun them! …with laughter, but nonetheless, free hits are always a boon.

Chieftain: There’s one problem though. The enemy laughs, sure, but so do my OWN troops.

Orcish Warlord: …… And I became a warlord for this…? Ok, let’s look at your ultimate. Reincarnation. Does that work?

Chieftain: Of course! It requires no power or strength to use! It’s passive! But…if I fall in battle, I can’t get up…

Orcish Warlord: <Groan! > ……Wait! Don’t go! I know how to take advantage of you—uh, I mean how to use your…talented…services. I’ll give you command of a Legion of Grunts! You are to attack the human position with that army. Now off with you.

Chieftain: …..Where’s the door?

Orcish Warlord: Behind you…

An hour later…

Advisor: Sir, was it wise to give that senile old cow command of a legion of grunts?

Orchish Warlord: Of course! You fool! They can’t even ATTACK the castle, it’s on a cliff! I sent them out as a diversion…

Advisor: Ah, excellent, your evil, yet tastefully corrupt plan gives me goosebumps!

Orcish Warlord: I don’t pay you to suck up! You can forget about that burrow in Florida! I’m not paying for it!