Far Seer

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ParodyCraft Chapter 2

Story by Koss_Knights.

Just use your knowledge of warcraft 3 and use your imagination


And so, with a legion of grunts at this command, the great, senile, old tauren chieftain sets out for the human castle. What tales of gruesome encounters, what tales of life and death battles will unfold for our great hero and his loyal troops?

Journey to the Barrens

Chieftain: Now where did I park my car…?

Grunt Commander: Chieftain, may I ask what this “car” is?

Grunt 1: Commander, I bet it is a huge, powerful, hulking, mobile fortress! With it’s own garrisons and weaponry! It sounds like it is big enough to fit us all in!

Chieftain: Actually, it’s just a gas powered 4 seat gnomish vehicle I brought at that little Gnomish Car Dealer by the road. You know, the big gray tent?

Grunt 2: A 4 seat mobile fortress?

Grunt 3: ...what car dealer?

Meanwhile, 20 miles away from the army…

Bandit Leader: Who knew a fat cow would come across our mobile HQ?

Bandit 1: Well sir, we did make it seem rather obvious. That tent was pretty big, even for the 5 of us. And why the hell did we have to pitch the gray one? Do all bandit camps have to be so bland and colorless? It’s so stereotypical!

Bandit Leader: Bring me the thumb screws, would you?

Bandit 2: Yes, of course!

Bandit 1: Me and my big mouth…

Bandit 3: It was still pretty smart of our leader to pose as a gnomish car salesman.

Bandit Leader: Who knew that old, rickety death trap could be sold? I bet that guy was senile…he didn’t even ask about those screams coming from the back of the tent. That reminds me, how’s our prisoner?

Bandit 3: He’s in a deep coma.

Bandit Leader: WHAT?! Who told him to beat him up so much?! We needed him to squeal like a little girl! He had valuable deeds to a mansion, damn it!

Bandit 2: Uh…sir. You told us to beat him within an inch of his life. And we did. As a result, he’s in a coma.

Bandit Leader: I didn’t mean it! I did it to be dramatic! <Sigh…> Never mind, did anyone find any papers, perhaps deeds to his mansion?

Bandit 1: I found some papers and such, sir! I didn’t deem them worthy of your time, so I used them to start our fire.

Bandit Leader: Do I pay you?

Bandit 1: No. I don’t get good life insurance either.

Bandit Leader: YOU IDIOT! Those were the deeds to his mansion! On his 1st day of torture, he told me they were in his pocket! AND YOU THREW THEM IN THE FIRE?!

Bandit 1: Well, if he told you where the deeds were, why didn’t you just take them?!

Bandit 2: He was being dramatic … again. I swear, he always does this to all the new people we kidnap.

Bandit Leader: It’s not my fault! My father was a great actor! And an intelligent director! I only want to follow in his footsteps!

Bandit 4: Stop lying, he was a drunk and a womanizer. You’re just saying he was an actor to hide your compulsive urges to leave us here to rot, take off with the gold we’ve horded, and build your own theater, where people will pay an excessive amount of gold to watch your mediocre acting skills. And he wants to steal away our women!

Bandit 5: We don’t have any women on this camp!

Bandit 4: The Leader isn’t the only one who pretends in something that doesn’t really exist…

Bandit 5: Hey…cut it out. Stop looking at me all funny! Don’t even think about it! I’m not a woman! Hey—stay away from me! I’m getting the hell out of here!

Bandit 2: We lose more good bandits that way …

Bandit 1: He sure can run though. Look at him go!

Bandit Leader: What did he mean pretends? My acting career does exist! And it’s not mediocre! <Starts crying> I’m going back to my tent … sniff.

And back at the Orcish Encampment …

Chieftain: Ah! It only took me an hour, but I’ve finally found my car! …… Now where did I put my keys?

All Grunts, in unison: Groan!