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ParodyCraft Chapter 3
Story by Koss_Knights.
Just use your knowledge of Warcraft 3 and use your imagination.
ENJOY!
Night has fallen upon the Barrens. Who knows what adventures our hero will face now? We join them near the Orcish encampment, where the Chieftain and his loyal men search for an item of untold power! An item so all-important, the very world hangs in the balance
Chieftain: So, none of you found my car keys?
Grunt Commander: Chieftain, weve been searching for hours! We dont know where they are. Can we just move on with our mission? The journey to the Human Castle wont take long. I suggest we look for the keys after our mission is complete.
Chieftain: Very well, lets move on then.
1 hour later, the army comes across a fork in the road. Which way will they go?
Grunt Commander: Chieftain, why did we stop?
Chieftain: There are two roads here, each with their own sign. Lets see here. LeftHuman
Castle, 20 miles. Enjoy the sights and smooth traveling. RightHuman Castle, Abandoned Road, 100 miles. Dangerous and Extremely Painful Journey.
Grunt 1: Well Chieftain, then I guess its settled. The choice is clear. We take the left road.
Chieftain: No! Its a trick! Theyre lying to us! Quick, drag me to the right road, we will journey through there!
Grunt Commander: Are you insane, Chieftain! That road will doom our entire army! Well be eaten alive by the monsters that lie in wait for us! Our every step will give our army pain and misery! Well never get to the Human Castle! All theyll ever find will be our bleached bones, and broken armor! Do you hear me Chieftain?! Were doomed! Doo-
Chieftain: Snore! zzzzzzzzzz .snore! zzzzzzzz ..zzzzzzzz .
Grunt Commander: CHIEFTAIN!! WAKE UP!
Chieftain: zzzzzz !!! Snort, wha? GRAB YOUR SWORDS MEN, THEYRE ATTACKING! Die, Demon, DIE!
Grunt 1: Wahhh! Dont, ahhh! <Squish>
Grunt 3: He..he sat on him
Grunt Commander: I think hes dead.
Chieftain: Huh?! Oh, it was only a dream. Hmm, I think I sat on something.
Commander Grunt: That would be one of my men chieftain
Chieftain: Take heart, young ones. Hell be fine.
Grunt 3: Uh commander? His spleen is on my boot.
Grunt Commander: I guess when you hit old age, all that muscle sags down to your well, you know.
Meanwhile, back at the Orcish Encampment
Orchish Warlord: We are truly living in dark times. Have the scouts reported yet?
Advisor: No, sir. Not a word. Im afraid that if we dont get the shipment soon, itll be all over.
Orcish Warlord: Ive waited to long for this day to come! This cant be happening! I can only hope Loktar shines upon us in this moment of dread.
Advisor: Sir! The scouts have just returned! The shipment is safe! I suggest you go out, and talk to your men.
15 minutes later
Orcish Warlord: Great warriors, I have an important announcement! The shipment we have all been waiting for has ARRIVED!
All Grunts in the room: W00T! PARTY TIME!
Orcish Warlord: Thats right! The beers arrived! Grab your glasses and fill them up, cause were going to party all NIGHT!
All Grunts: FOR THE HORDE! YAAARRR! (Everyone takes a swig.)
And so, with the beer shipment safe, the brave orcs can now get as wasted as only a true warrior can. But what of the brave Chieftain and his Legion of Orcs (minus one)? How are they faring?
Lets see
Grunt 5: Weve been walking for hours and not a single enemy! Perhaps the chieftain was right? Maybe the left road WAS a trick!
Meanwhile, at the fork in the road.
Footmen: Which way, Paladin?
Paladin: Well, obviously not the right one! Why in the hell did I put the danger sign on that road?
Footmen: Because its dangerous?
Paladin: You mustve graduated top in your class. Only fools would venture forth that way
Footmen: But, look! Tons of tracks and footprints! Leading toward the right road.
Paladin: Those poor devils
And back at the Right Road, the Legion of Grunts moves on. Just then!
Grunt Commander: Look! That shadow! It might be a monster! Keep your axes ready men. Theres no reason to panic. Just keep calm, like the Chieftain is right .now oh, no. Not again
Chieftain: DEFEND YOURSELVES! DEMONS! DEMONS FROM THE BLACK PIT OF HELL ITSELF! LET ME AT HIM! ILL SMITE HIM WITH HONOR!
Grunt 4: Groan! Chieftain! Dont move so much! Your Drag the Hero Around Aura is too much for us
Chieftain: Quick! Slay it! Slay it, before it kills us all!
And just then, out of the blackness of the trees, comes the shadow, into the moonlight. And out comes a terrifying, powerful
Grunt 2: A PIG?! Commander, its just a pig!
Grunt Commander: perhaps the chieftain over-reacted its only a harmless pig
Chieftain: Everyone! Get back! Ill slay the demon pig! Swoosh!
Grunt 6: Oww! My foot! He stabbed my foot with his halberd!
Chieftain: Oh, sorry. Swoosh! I got it! Now we have something to eat!
Grunt 8: But theres a legion of us (minus one.)
2 hours later, with camp set up, the grunt commander is conversing with one of his men.
Grunt Commander: What the hell is that Chieftain smoking anyway?! He went ballistic!
Grunt 10: Well, he calls it his peace pipes. He says they make you at peace with the earth. He said if you smoke enough, you can see your ancestors. All I saw was my wife! Gah, as if I didnt have enough nightmares!
And back at the Orcish Encampment
Orc sentry: Warlord! Reinforcements have arrived with MORE BEER! W00T!
All grunts: MY LIFE FOR THE HORDE! (Everyone takes a long swig.)