Far Seer

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ParodyCraft Chapter 5! The Siege of the Human Castle

Story by Koss_Knights.


The brave Chieftain and his loyal men have finally located the Human Castle. The legion looks up at its majestic walls and beautifully crafted statues that dot the top of the castle. All the grunts seem to hold their breath, for they have finally realized the time has come…TO SIEGE THE HUMAN CASTLE!

Grunt Commander: …where’s our catapults?

Grunt 45: Sir, we had the 10 catapults safely secured before we moved on. That ancient night elf city provided us with ample wood to make beautifully designed traditional orcish catapults. Who knew those ancient trees would be such good material for our siege machines?

Grunt Commander: …you mean we never got the catapults from the orcish high command back at the Encampment?

Grunt 45: No, they said they needed all the catapults they could get for a braver, direr battle.

Meanwhile, back at the Orcish Encampment, the fierce battle continues…

Orcish Warlord: Hic! Man the catapults!

Grunt Sentry: FOR THE…? …What was…the name again?

Orcish Warlord: Horde? Hic!

Grunt Sentry: Hic! Oh yeah. PULL!

With that command, the catapults launched their payload…straight into the great hall where brave, elite orcish warriors were prepared to…party…some more. That’s right. The catapults are launching…beer…into the Great Hall…again…for the 3rd day in a row.

Advisor: Sir, wasn’t there something we were supposed to do? …I think it had something to do with helping our legion of orcs…

Orcish Warlord: Lok’tar have mercy! We’ve no time for that! Hic! We’re out of beer! AGAIN! Quickly! To the local liquor store! Our men must not become sober!
We will drink up on the hills!
We will throw up in the valleys!
We will buy the beer from goblins, humans, and brewmasters!
We will get drunk in our Great Hall, no matter how far it may be!
We will—

Grunt Sentry: Hic! Reinforcements have arrived yet again! With more beer!

All grunts: For the Horde!

Everyone takes a long, drunken sip…suddenly!

Orcish Warlord: Pfff! Oh, how awful! This is nonalcoholic beer! We’re not going to stay drunk by drinking this! KILL THE TRAITOR! YAR!

All grunts (except for the poor scout who brought the beer): AHHHHHHH! ATTACK!

Grunt Scout: Wait! They didn’t have anymore alcoholic beer left! Ahhhhh!

The grunt scout barely escapes the mob, which is quickly becoming sober and more vicious with each passing second. When he gets away, he finds himself in the middle of nowhere…and suddenly a hand pulls him down into a nearby bush!

Bandit 4: Shh! Quiet, or he’ll hear you!

Grunt Scout: Huh? What?

Bandit 4: I’m hiding from a guy who thinks I’m a woman…I’ve been running away from him ever since! Be quiet, or he’ll find us both!

Grunt Scout: …oh great…first I’m chased by an angry, drunken mob, now I’m going to be chased by a sexually confused man…what a day.

Bandit 5: Where are you…? I just want to be sure…come on, I know you’re really a woman…come on out…

Grunt Scout: …ARE you a woman?

With that remark, Bandit 4 kicked the grunt out of the bush straight into the demented Bandit 5…

Grunt Scout: …crap.

Meanwhile, back at the Orcish Legion frontline, the Grunt Commander is still arguing where those catapults could’ve gone.

Grunt Commander: That’s a sad excuse! What, they sprouted legs and walked away then?!

Grunt 45: Well, how should I know! Maybe they did, that’s the only logical explanation!


Tauren Chieftain: Sorry to interrupt, but he has a point…they could’ve walked away…if the catapults were possessed by demons…

All the grunts listening in stand stock still, even their very breaths hold…

Grunt Commander: …you didn’t…tell me you didn’t Chieftain!

Tauren Chieftain: The Earth Mother shines upon us, young warriors! I stopped those demonic catapults before they caused us any harm! I then preformed the exorcism spell last night, on their burning, demonic wooden frames…

Grunt 23: …that was an exorcism spell? …it looked a lot like the Chicken Dance to me…

Grunt Commander: So here we are…with no catapults, no siege ammo—

Tauren Chieftain: Fear not, I picked up these dirt clods to aid us. They’ll crush the castle! Look! I’ll throw one right now! With my mighty arm, I siege thee!

The Chieftain gives a mighty throw and the rock goes soaring, soaring, soaring ever higher! Until…

Grunt 20: He threw it two feet…<starts crying> We’re doomed!

Grunt Commander: What is it with you and Demons anyway?!

Tauren Chieftain: A demon broke my horn once…see? It’s not pointy anymore…

Suddenly, a strange, blue man-beast jumps from out of nowhere to meet the Chieftain.

Kimahri: Kimahri feels your pain, Chieftain. Mean Ronsos broke Kimahri’s horn. Kimahri sad…now he relegated to watching over annoying summoner…Kimahri go now.

Grunt Commander: …well that was completely random…

Moogle: You better believe it, kupo!

Grunt 56: I’m scared now.

Tauren Chieftain: …kupo...? That’s demon talk! Yes, DEMONS! SLAY THE PINK FLUFFY DEMON OF…uh…FLUFFINESS! <Swoosh!>

Moogle: No thanks, kupo.

And with that the moogle left…

Grunt 6: …why me? …there goes my ear…

Grunt Commander: ! You’re still alive! How did you ever survive!

Grunt 6: …I don’t know...can we stop my internal bleeding though? A healing salve would do the trick…

Grunt Commander: Yeah ok, look. Just because you’re alive and all doesn’t mean I start taking orders from you. Now get to the back of the line!

Grunt 6: Oh sure…I’ll just limp my way to the back…don’t mind my excessive bleeding either…bastard.

Grunt Commander: Now how do we siege that castle without any catapults…?

Will the Grunts ever be able to siege the castle? Will the Chieftain ever stop with his obsession about demons? And—

Grunt Commander: Hey, shut up, would you! You’re not finishing the Chapter yet!

Tauren Chieftain: I have an idea! I know how to siege the castle! See my ancient tauren totem of honor?

Grunt 16: You mean the fake one you bought at that gnomish shoppe nearby here?

Tauren Chieftain: You all know what it’s shaped like! A SLINGSHOT! I’ll just attach a giant piece of rope to my totem, and you’ll all be able to hurtle off toward the castle personally!

Grunt Commander: Are you insane?

Tauren Chieftain: I think so, yes. Is this a trick question?

Grunt 56: I can’t take it anymore! Fine! I’ll launch myself! It’s better then standing here listening to that old cow! FOR THE…yeah, whatever, like they actually care about me. My dental plan is horrible.

With confidence brimming in his soul, the brave grunt steps on the Chieftain’s back…CRACK! …

Tauren Chieftain: THAT didn’t sound too healthy for me…oof.

…and prepares to launch himself at the human castle, which is situated on a cliff.

Tauren Chieftain: PULL! <Woosh!>

Grunt 56: Hmm, this isn’t so bad, at least I’ll die quickly and painlessly.

Just then, the grunt lands on a flagpole…ouch, even I felt that. Then he slowly slides down, toward more flagpoles, until he slides on his face all the way to the bottom…where a pack of curious peasants await.

Grunt 56: …now I know how Grunt 6 felt like…well, at least I’m alive.

Peasant 1: I found a witch! Let’s burn him!

Peasant 2: It doesn’t look like a witch to me…more like an orc.

Peasant 3: Oh, and the correct term for a male witch is “warlock.”

The peasants stop to think deeply on what to do…the concentration is amazing!

Peasant 1: Let’s burn him anyway

All peasants: Yaaay!

Tauren Chieftain: Hmm, I better adjust my aim…ok, who’s next?

All grunts: Uh….ahem.

Tauren Chieftain: Oh, I see. ALL of you want to go. Ok, I’ll start with you. PULL!

And so, a cycle of grunt throwing siege begins. The grunts fly in all directions, laying siege to the castle. And at the top most tower…

Paladin: …well…this is odd.

Footmen: …this is something you don’t see a lot.

Just then…

<Whistling noise, growing louder…> FOR THE HORDE!!!! SPLAT!

Paladin: Whew, he barely missed us! Quick close the windows!

Footmen: We don’t have shutters…the windows will remain completely open…

Paladin: Damn, first they take away my mace, then they repo my horse and helmet…now they take away the shutters…lousy budget cutbacks…

Footmen: Is that barbeque I smell?

Meanwhile, the peasants set fire to a “witch”.

Grunt 56: Well, this sucks. Sniff, hmm, I don’t smell so bad…

Will the Orcish Horde succeed in laying siege to the castle?! Will the Orcish Encampment ever stop partying and finally help the Legion?! Chapter 6, the FINAL chapter coming soon!

INFORMATION: Moogles, and Kimahri are all Final Fantasy characters. I hope you Final Fantasy fans enjoyed that little guest appearance, as for people who didn’t get what a moogle was, it’s not big deal. ;) Uh, oh! Chapter 6 and that’s it! WRONG! I’ll start a new series…starring a death knight and a dreadlord… ^_^. See you next time, and thanks for reading!