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ParodyCraft Chapter 5! The Siege of the Human Castle
Story by Koss_Knights.
SPECIAL GUEST STAR APPEARANCE BY: ????
The brave Chieftain and his loyal men have finally located the Human Castle. The legion looks up at its majestic walls and beautifully crafted statues that dot the top of the castle. All the grunts seem to hold their breath, for they have finally realized the time has come TO SIEGE THE HUMAN CASTLE!
Grunt Commander: wheres our catapults?
Grunt 45: Sir, we had the 10 catapults safely secured before we moved on. That ancient night elf city provided us with ample wood to make beautifully designed traditional orcish catapults. Who knew those ancient trees would be such good material for our siege machines?
Grunt Commander: you mean we never got the catapults from the orcish high command back at the Encampment?
Grunt 45: No, they said they needed all the catapults they could get for a braver, direr battle.
Meanwhile, back at the Orcish Encampment, the fierce battle continues
Orcish Warlord: Hic! Man the catapults!
Grunt Sentry: FOR THE ? What was the name again?
Orcish Warlord: Horde? Hic!
Grunt Sentry: Hic! Oh yeah. PULL!
With that command, the catapults launched their payload straight into the great hall where brave, elite orcish warriors were prepared to party some more. Thats right. The catapults are launching beer into the Great Hall again for the 3rd day in a row.
Advisor: Sir, wasnt there something we were supposed to do? I think it had something to do with helping our legion of orcs
Orcish Warlord: Loktar have mercy! Weve no time for that! Hic! Were out of beer! AGAIN! Quickly! To the local liquor store! Our men must not become sober!
We will drink up on the hills!
We will throw up in the valleys!
We will buy the beer from goblins, humans, and brewmasters!
We will get drunk in our Great Hall, no matter how far it may be!
We will
Grunt Sentry: Hic! Reinforcements have arrived yet again! With more beer!
All grunts: For the Horde!
Everyone takes a long, drunken sip suddenly!
Orcish Warlord: Pfff! Oh, how awful! This is nonalcoholic beer! Were not going to stay drunk by drinking this! KILL THE TRAITOR! YAR!
All grunts (except for the poor scout who brought the beer): AHHHHHHH! ATTACK!
Grunt Scout: Wait! They didnt have anymore alcoholic beer left! Ahhhhh!
The grunt scout barely escapes the mob, which is quickly becoming sober and more vicious with each passing second. When he gets away, he finds himself in the middle of nowhere and suddenly a hand pulls him down into a nearby bush!
Bandit 4: Shh! Quiet, or hell hear you!
Grunt Scout: Huh? What?
Bandit 4: Im hiding from a guy who thinks Im a woman Ive been running away from him ever since! Be quiet, or hell find us both!
Grunt Scout: oh great first Im chased by an angry, drunken mob, now Im going to be chased by a sexually confused man what a day.
Bandit 5: Where are you ? I just want to be sure come on, I know youre really a woman come on out
Grunt Scout: ARE you a woman?
With that remark, Bandit 4 kicked the grunt out of the bush straight into the demented Bandit 5
Grunt Scout: crap.
Meanwhile, back at the Orcish Legion frontline, the Grunt Commander is still arguing where those catapults couldve gone.
Grunt Commander: Thats a sad excuse! What, they sprouted legs and walked away then?!
Grunt 45: Well, how should I know! Maybe they did, thats the only logical explanation!
Grunt Commander: LOGICAL?! THATS A LOGICAL EXPLANATION?!
Tauren Chieftain: Sorry to interrupt, but he has a point they couldve walked away if the catapults were possessed by demons
All the grunts listening in stand stock still, even their very breaths hold
Grunt Commander: you didnt tell me you didnt Chieftain!
Tauren Chieftain: The Earth Mother shines upon us, young warriors! I stopped those demonic catapults before they caused us any harm! I then preformed the exorcism spell last night, on their burning, demonic wooden frames
Grunt 23: that was an exorcism spell? it looked a lot like the Chicken Dance to me
Grunt Commander: So here we are with no catapults, no siege ammo
Tauren Chieftain: Fear not, I picked up these dirt clods to aid us. Theyll crush the castle! Look! Ill throw one right now! With my mighty arm, I siege thee!
The Chieftain gives a mighty throw and the rock goes soaring, soaring, soaring ever higher! Until
Grunt 20: He threw it two feet <starts crying> Were doomed!
Grunt Commander: What is it with you and Demons anyway?!
Tauren Chieftain: A demon broke my horn once see? Its not pointy anymore
Suddenly, a strange, blue man-beast jumps from out of nowhere to meet the Chieftain.
Kimahri: Kimahri feels your pain, Chieftain. Mean Ronsos broke Kimahris horn. Kimahri sad now he relegated to watching over annoying summoner Kimahri go now.
Grunt Commander: well that was completely random
Moogle: You better believe it, kupo!
Grunt 56: Im scared now.
Tauren Chieftain: kupo...? Thats demon talk! Yes, DEMONS! SLAY THE PINK FLUFFY DEMON OF uh FLUFFINESS! <Swoosh!>
Moogle: No thanks, kupo.
And with that the moogle left
Grunt 6: why me? there goes my ear
Grunt Commander: ! Youre still alive! How did you ever survive!
Grunt 6: I dont know...can we stop my internal bleeding though? A healing salve would do the trick
Grunt Commander: Yeah ok, look. Just because youre alive and all doesnt mean I start taking orders from you. Now get to the back of the line!
Grunt 6: Oh sure Ill just limp my way to the back dont mind my excessive bleeding either bastard.
Grunt Commander: Now how do we siege that castle without any catapults ?
Will the Grunts ever be able to siege the castle? Will the Chieftain ever stop with his obsession about demons? And
Grunt Commander: Hey, shut up, would you! Youre not finishing the Chapter yet!
Tauren Chieftain: I have an idea! I know how to siege the castle! See my ancient tauren totem of honor?
Grunt 16: You mean the fake one you bought at that gnomish shoppe nearby here?
Tauren Chieftain: You all know what its shaped like! A SLINGSHOT! Ill just attach a giant piece of rope to my totem, and youll all be able to hurtle off toward the castle personally!
Grunt Commander: Are you insane?
Tauren Chieftain: I think so, yes. Is this a trick question?
Grunt 56: I cant take it anymore! Fine! Ill launch myself! Its better then standing here listening to that old cow! FOR THE yeah, whatever, like they actually care about me. My dental plan is horrible.
With confidence brimming in his soul, the brave grunt steps on the Chieftains back CRACK!
Tauren Chieftain: THAT didnt sound too healthy for me oof.
and prepares to launch himself at the human castle, which is situated on a cliff.
Tauren Chieftain: PULL! <Woosh!>
Grunt 56: Hmm, this isnt so bad, at least Ill die quickly and painlessly.
Just then, the grunt lands on a flagpole ouch, even I felt that. Then he slowly slides down, toward more flagpoles, until he slides on his face all the way to the bottom where a pack of curious peasants await.
Grunt 56: now I know how Grunt 6 felt like well, at least Im alive.
Peasant 1: I found a witch! Lets burn him!
Peasant 2: It doesnt look like a witch to me more like an orc.
Peasant 3: Oh, and the correct term for a male witch is warlock.
The peasants stop to think deeply on what to do the concentration is amazing!
Peasant 1: Lets burn him anyway
All peasants: Yaaay!
Tauren Chieftain: Hmm, I better adjust my aim ok, whos next?
All grunts: Uh .ahem.
Tauren Chieftain: Oh, I see. ALL of you want to go. Ok, Ill start with you. PULL!
And so, a cycle of grunt throwing siege begins. The grunts fly in all directions, laying siege to the castle. And at the top most tower
Paladin: well this is odd.
Footmen: this is something you dont see a lot.
Just then
<Whistling noise, growing louder > FOR THE HORDE!!!! SPLAT!
Paladin: Whew, he barely missed us! Quick close the windows!
Footmen: We dont have shutters the windows will remain completely open
Paladin: Damn, first they take away my mace, then they repo my horse and helmet now they take away the shutters lousy budget cutbacks
Footmen: Is that barbeque I smell?
Meanwhile, the peasants set fire to a witch.
Grunt 56: Well, this sucks. Sniff, hmm, I dont smell so bad
Will the Orcish Horde succeed in laying siege to the castle?! Will the Orcish Encampment ever stop partying and finally help the Legion?! Chapter 6, the FINAL chapter coming soon!
INFORMATION: Moogles, and Kimahri are all Final Fantasy characters. I hope you Final Fantasy fans enjoyed that little guest appearance, as for people who didnt get what a moogle was, its not big deal. ;) Uh, oh! Chapter 6 and thats it! WRONG! Ill start a new series starring a death knight and a dreadlord ^_^. See you next time, and thanks for reading!