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Final ParodyCraft 6! The Final Word
Story by Koss_Knights.
The siege began in the wee hours of the morning, and it rages on into the afternoon. The Barrens become a giant microwave, the sands rise up, and swirl, like some great spirit…and still the brave Chieftain with his loyal troops siege the Human Castle. Will the humans be able to survive?
Tauren Chieftain: PULL! <whoosh>
Grunt Commander: Chieftain, stop this madness! Our legion is steadily decreasing, and we’re barely making a dent on the walls!
Tauren Chieftain: Are you sure? …That last grunt looked like he made a considerable dent with his skull.
Meanwhile, at the topmost tower in the human castle, the paladin and his trusty footmen aide looks on as the orcs continue flying in all directions.
Paladin: So…should we mobilize our two legions of knights?
Footmen: I don’t know…this is kind of fun to watch. Oh! Hahaha! Look at that one! He was jabbed onto a pointy cliff and he’s trying to get off! Aw, look at him wiggle his little feet in despair!
Paladin: …Ok, I’m going to move a little more to the left…away from you…
Window washer: Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there!
Paladin: …what the hell? What are you doing up here?
Window washer: I’m washing the windows.
Paladin: But we don’t have any windows!
Window washer: Yeah…I figured that was going to be a problem.
Footmen: You mean to tell me I was paying you to wash non-existent windows?! When I could’ve spent the cash on booze and loose women! Uh! …I mean armor and swords! Eheh…
Paladin: …I’m going to temporarily forget my Paladin’s oath and hurt you…
Footmen: Oh, look, two peasants carrying a wounded man toward us. What is your business lazy mongrels?!
Peasant 5: Oh, I suppose being subdued to back breaking manual labor all day makes us lazy? Yeah, and you’re such a brave warrior, risking your life at the local strip club all day.
Paladin: Local strip club?! That’s where you go when I ask you to buy potions and scrolls?!
Footmen: Oop…psst, shut up about that.
Peasant 5: Right, whatever. Anyway, here’s your informant. We found him in a comatose state. I suppose you’ll want to heal him and then get the information he has about the orcish positions.
Paladin: I had an informant?
Peasant 6: …we’d best be on our way.
The Paladin looks at the pitiful state that the informant is in and looks at his grave injuries. He looks genuinely disturbed at the horrors that war has caused this young man to suffer. He gets ready, raises his hammer, opens his book and…
Paladin: <SLAM! > Get up, you lazy bastard! <SLAM! > Up, I say!
Footmen: ?! Paladin, you’re hitting him?! He’s comatose stop it!
Paladin: …oh. …. …. …. <SLAM! > Up, you lazy, good for nothing…
Footmen: Paladin, can’t you just use your Holy Light spell to cure him?
Paladin: …I’m trying to wake him up! <SLAM! > Look at him! He even bleeds with laziness! He sickens me.
Footmen: Your hammer is the cause of that blood…look; can’t you just cast holy light and heal him? It’ll be a more effective way of waking him up…
Paladin: …I don’t know that spell…
Footmen: …that book chained to your hip…its not a spell book is it?
Paladin: …No. It’s the Adventures of Huckleberry Fin , by Mark Twain.
Footmen: …
Paladin: What! It’s a good book! …I like to read…books.
Footmen: You’re not even a certified paladin, are you?
Paladin: Sob! No! I was kicked out of the Silver Hand Paladin Academy for killing a small child!
Footmen: …How did that happen?
Paladin: I was to perform a Holy Light on poor, cancerous Jimmy…I got ready to cast it and did…but I used the hammer instead of the book! Thus, killing him…with a splash of colorful light…
Footmen: Well, hey! It’s all right! I’m not a footman myself! I’m just a local drunk coming home from a Halloween party. I saw you walking and decided to join in. Like my costume? Pretty convincing, isn’t it?
Just then, they hear the whistling of another orcish warrior flying towards them!
Paladin: He’s heading straight for me! I guess it’s time for me to activate my Divine Shield!
Footmen: But…you said you’re not a certified Paladin…how can you possibly cast that spell?
Paladin: DIVINE SHIELD!
With that yell, the Paladin picks up the footmen and thrusts him in front of his face, so the footmen can absorb the damage.
Footmen: This isn’t what I had in mind! Put me down!
Meanwhile, at the base of the Castle, the Chieftain continues launching his men while the Grunt Commander looks onward.
Grunt Commanders Journal
Entry 35
“We have started the siege of the Human Castle, but we are steadily losing our men. I suspect the Chieftain has grown mad, and that he will kill us all. I am currently overlooking the castle, where many of our men’s bodies have been needlessly splattered and broken, in a fruitless siege. I don’t think we will ever destroy the humans if the Orcish Encampment does not help. If we do not--- “
Tauren Chieftain: PULL! <whoosh!>
Grunt Commander: Hey! I was writing in that! Why the hell did you launch my book at the castle!
Tauren Chieftain: We need all the siege material we can get! PULL!
And in the castle courtyard, the peasants look glum…they’ve finished burning the orc they found and have nothing else left to do.
Peasant 1: There’s nothing left to burn…
Just then, a book hits Peasant 2 on the head.
Peasant 2: Ouch! Hey look! It’s a journal!
Peasant 3: I have an idea! Let’s read it!
Peasant 4: What? What the hell do you think this is, the Reading Rainbow?
Peasant 5: I found a hooked on phonics tape once. Know what I did with it?
Peasant 3: What?
Peasant 5: Burned it.
Peasant 1: I got a better idea! Forget reading it; let’s burn the book!
Peasant 3: No! Let’s burn ALL the books we can find!
All peasants: Yaaay!
And so, the peasants start their little burning spree. Minutes later, the King enters his private library…
King: …Where did all my priceless, one of a kind books go? It’s my wife again, isn’t it? Well, off with her head. I’ll make her into a welcome mat…or something like that.
Meanwhile, in the topmost tower…
Footmen (bloodied and gravely injured): I don’t think…I can take another…orc…please, deactivate your “divine shield”.
Paladin: Never! The orcs will never defeat me! You may be a crumpled mass of flesh, they may break every bone in your body, and they may very well slowly, painfully rip and tear you to pieces, but I will never surrender!
Footmen: Well, that cheered me right up…
And back at the Orcish Encampment…
Orcish Warlord: Hic! Ah, yes. We’ve had a fierce battle. But the beer kegs stood no chance facing the mighty belly of the horde’s warriors.
Advisor: Sir, shouldn’t we move our warriors to the Human Castle now? Our diversionary legion won’t last long…and plus that Grunt Commander still owes me 5 bucks.
Orcish Warlord: To the Orcmobile! Hic!
Advisor: …what?
The orcish warlord suddenly gets up. His face strains greatly, as his drunken body tries to keep its balance.
Orcish Warlord: I said! To the Orcmobile! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Orc man! Orc man!
Advisor: …what I’m wondering is how they managed to stay drunk even though the last day all they drank was nonalcoholic beer…
Orcish Warlord: Hic! Quickly, down the pole to the orc cave!
The Orcish Warlord slides down the pole…
Advisor: I hope he realizes that pole led to the torture pit…he’s going to land in a bed of spikes…well, time to rally the drunken horde.
And so, with the “promise” that the human castle would have “beer”, the Horde gladly follows the young, upstart advisor.
And back at the base of the cliff, the Chieftain is running out of siege ammo.
Tauren Chieftain: PULL!
Grunt Commander: Chieftain! Stop this insanity! Our legion is being rapidly depleted! Chieftain, what would your wife say?
Tauren Chieftain: I wouldn’t know…I accidentally catapulted her into the castle walls…
Grunt Commander:[b/] Her lawyer won’t like this…
Tauren Chieftain: Yeah, I guess. Think he’ll be suing me anytime soon? His top half is by a flagpole 500 feet up, and his bottom half is by a nearby tree.
And at the topmost tower, the Paladin continues activating his divine shield. Just then, a Knight steps into the tower, to report to the paladin.
Knight: Sire, your…uh…what’s going on here?
Paladin: I have my divine shield activated.
Knight: …I never knew it worked that way. Regardless, here’s my report.
1. The Peasants have gone on a mass burning. They’ve burned everything from orcs, to books, to the stables.
2. The King has beheaded his wife, but when he jumped up in joy at the sight of her dead, he tripped over his throne and fell out of the open window. He’s a pancake now.
3. Our scouts have reported that a drunken horde of orcs is making their way towards the castle, via goblin zeppelins.
Knight: Any questions?
Paladin: Yeah, are there any Smentos left? I think it might give my divine shield a boost.
Knight: Yes…I think I’ll ignore that request, sire. Good day.
“Do, doo, do, doo, do, do waa, do, do, do.
It doesn’t matter what time
The freshness always stays on
With Smentos full of mint and life
No orcs get to you, minty freshness is cool
The orcish horde won’t get to you!
Smentos freshness, orcs don’t have it
Smentos better, with Smentos freshness,
The orcs will never stand a chance!
Smentos, the orc killer.”
And thus, the Paladin gives his footmen aide a Smentos. Just then, an orc flies out of nowhere!
Footmen: Oof! The Smentos! They do nothing!
Paladin: It was worth a shot. The theme song was pretty catchy though…
Footmen: I can’t take it anymore! I’ll free myself! Yah!
The footmen cuts the rope that the Paladin banded the footmen with…and falls through the window.
Paladin: …I hope he realizes that’s a 50-story fall. Ooo, he’s going to need more then a Holy Light to get up after that one.
Just then, dozens of goblin zeppelins appear in the sky, weaving drunkenly. They land and out comes the brave orcish reinforcements, straight into the castle courtyard.
Paladin Retch! Oh, that was a bumpy ride! Spew!
Drunk Grunt 2: Attack! For the—oof! Hold on! Retch! Oh, I feel so sick!
The knights prepare to mobilize…but wait? Where are the horses?
Knight Commander: Quick! Mount your warhorses, before the orcs…attack…
Lo and behold, the knights see that all the stables are being burned…meanwhile, the peasants are dancing around the fiery wreckage singing “London Bridge is Falling Down.”
Knight Commander: Forget your steeds, defensive positions! Get ready to counter the orcish attack!
Drunk Grunt 5: Spew! Ugh, we shouldn’t have partied that long…
And so, the brave, brutish orc warriors charge to meet the knights in battle! …Or at least try…
Drunk Grunt 3: Charge!
All grunts: Yaaaaaaahh! Attack—oh. Retch!
Drunk Grunt 3: Not so fast, lets keep the charge at a minimal speed.
Advisor: I just realized something…they’re not carrying their battle axes…they’re carrying empty beer bottles…
And so the knights wait in horror as the orcish warriors rush at them, screaming their battlecry!
Knight 3: …you know, for a charge its pretty slow. It’s more like they’re stumbling toward us.
Knight Commander: Yawn! Has the battle started yet?
Drunk Grunt 1: Yell out your war cry!
All grunts: Retch! Oh….spew!
Advisor: …Right, I’ll just hop into a zeppelin and watch…WAY over there.
Meanwhile, at the topmost tower…
Knight: Sire, I have most dire news.
1. The orcish horde has arrived with reinforcements and they’re vomiting all over the courtyard. Our knights can stop them, but they cannot mount their warhorses, and that’s because…
2. …The peasants have started a revolt. We don’t know how it started, but they’re burning everything in their path, including the stables, royal library, the latrine, and they even burned down the window washer.
3. Since the stables are gone, the horses have begun to run amuck, trampling everything in their way, attempting to leave the castle grounds. Unfortunately, this castle is on top of a cliff…so most horses jumped…500 feet below…
4. Also, HELP! PALADIN, THE PEASANTS ARE TAKING ME AWAY! AHHHH!
Knight: Get back, back I say! I don’t wish to be burned! Ahhhh!
All peasants: Yaaay! More witches to burn!
Peasant 3: Don’t you mean warlocks?
All peasants stop and stare at peasant 3.
Peasant 1: Let’s burn him too.
All peasants (including peasant 3): Yaaaay!
And so, total chaos began to ensue. The drunken remnants of the orcish horde continued to slowly charge the knights position. When they finally came face to face, they became locked in mortal combat. The battlefield began to come alive as the courtyard echoed with the clashes of swords and beer bottles.
Vomit and blood splashed the courtyard. The Knights were clearly winning the battle, but the castle was not safe, for the peasants were still burning everything and everyone they could get their hands on. With this fanatic burning, the castles fate was sealed. The only survivor of the infamous siege was the Tauren Chieftain. Driven mad (well, madder anyway) by the demons that continued to haunt him—
Tauren Chieftain: Back, you demon moogles, back!
—The Chieftain ventured further into the barrens, alone…. never to be heard from again. Oh wait, never mind. He rented a boat and sailed to Kalimdor, where he met a few of his relatives. He also stopped by the world tree to get his picture taken and he entered a bull-fighting contest. He also made a snowman at the banks of the Frozen Citadel, and got chased away by an angry Lich.
He then met a deeply troubled paladin named Arthas. Arthas said he was traveling back to Lordereon, where he was to be honored for upholding the paladins’ oath, and slaying an evil vampire. The Chieftain was so annoying, however, that he drove Arthas insane, and caused him to become a death knight. He figured if the Chieftain was one of the good guys, there was no hope for mankind anyway. Well, we all know how the story with him goes on…
Undead Follies, Chapter One, sneak preview…
Dreadlord: The time has come! Soon…it shall begin! Mwahahahahaha—cough, hack, cough, hahahahahahhaaha!
Death Knight: Want a cough drop?
Watch out! Undead Follies, chapter one, coming at you soon!