Far Seer

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TelevisionCraft Part 1

Story by Algar_FleetFoot.

This is sort of a tribute to the spirit of ParodyCraft. I don’t want to infringe or copy on Koss_Knights, as this is 100% from my own, diseased imagination. However, his parodies were what inspired my to write my own. Enjoy.

TelevisionCraft: Part 1

Archmage: The world has changed, since the last war between man and orc. I feel it in the earth. I hear it in the wind. I smell it in the air. Once that was once known is lost, for none still live who remember it…

Footman: Ahh… I hate to rain on your whole copyright infringement thing, but weren’t you there during the Second War?

Archmage: Well, yes… but… it sounded good didn’t it?

Footman: In fact, you were the one that destroyed the Dark Portal, weren’t you?!

Archmage: Ahh, yes. The days when I still had all those spells… Invisibility, Polymorph, Slow, Blizzard, Lightning… At least I have this trusty steed to ride around on now.

Footman: Yes, but now your hair is completely white. And your old. And probably senile too.

Archmage: Your popularity isn’t growing in certain quarters…

Footman: Well, now that I think about it, you must be senile to forget about Uther and King Terenas, because they were there as well for the last war. And so was Antinodas, Magni… heck, even Tyrande, Furion, Medivh, Cenarius and Illidan were alive. Are you sure your not a few incantations short of a spell-book.

Archmage: Haven’t you got something better to do?

Footman: You mean, like drink out of this bottomless flask I have at my hip? I’d offer you some, but it’s pretty strong water, and it might upset your OLD digestive system.

Archmage: One more smart alec remark, and I may have to blizzard your ass!

Footman: Are you sure your false teeth won’t fall out while you mumble that incantation?

Archmage: Arghhh!!! I warned you!

Giant sheets of ice begin to painfully descend upon the hapless, yet surprisingly annoying footman.

Footman: OW!! Should that be bleeding? Oh, that’s gonna need some ice. But the wound has been caused by ice! O, the delicious irony.

Archmage: Well, now I can get back to my introduction. Anyways, in order to continue the astounding success of reality T.V, the heroes of Warcraft have agreed to participate in SurvivorCraft: Over Done, Over Long, Over It.

On the set of SurvivorCraft. Day 11.

A crowd of people is standing in two groups upon a sandy beach, with a strange looking demi-god/host in front of them. Upon closer inspection, we can see the heroes of the Scourge; Arthas, Kel Thuzad, Tichondrius and Archimonde, standing with the leaders of the Horde; Marn Thunderhoof, Thrall and Grom Hellscream.

Standing opposite them, we see Jaina Proodmoore, Tyrande, Magni Bronzebeard, Furion and Illidan Stormrage and Uther the Lightbringer. The host nods to each group, and begins to speak.

Cenarius: Welcome to the next immunity challenge. The tribe who wins this will not have to vote out a tribe member at the next tribal council. It is more important for you to win this Kalimdor (he indicates the Night Elves and Humans), as you are already one member down from last week’s council. The challenge is simple. Each member of the tribe must swim from the beach out to the red buoy, then to the blue buoy, and back here. Then they must attack a level 9 creep by themselves, take is item, which is a scroll of town portal, which they must then use to teleport back to their respective base. They must then run back here, stopping to complete checkpoints along the way. These checkpoints include reciting all the states and territories of Australia in order of population, dancing the haka, making a set of matching pots, and listening to Britney Spears for 16 hours. Once these have been completed, the next member may go. One of the members of the Kalimdor tribe must go twice however, to make up for the difference between Kalimdor and Lordaeron. Understood?

Arthas: Yeah, except could you repeat the part after you said, “Welcome”

Everyone fixes the former Paladin with cold stares.

Arthas: What?

A couple of weeks later…

Illidan: Puff. Damn, but it’s good to have finally made it.

Furion: Yeah, except you’re a couple of days late. Luckily, the producers cancelled the show before we had to vote someone out, because we got owned by the Lordaeron tribe.

Illidan: Um… news flash idiot. I’m BLIND. I had to keep stopping and washing my feet, because I just had to step into every single pile of dog sh…

Furion: Dude, I don’t care. All I know is you’ve just managed to stuff up again. First you help Archimonde to enter the world. Then you re-introduce magic to the sacred pools of water surrounding the World Tree. Then you make cheese and tomato sandwiches, and forget to put in the cheese.

Illidan: Yeah, well you ain’t exactly Mother Teresa yourself. Did you tell Tyrande about your little escapade with that underage dryad?

Furion: Shut up, shut up, shut up. And who the hell is Mother Teresa?

Illidan: Don’t tell me to shut up, tree boy. What use is the entangling roots anyway. What are you going to use it for, huh?

Furion: Do you wan’t me to tell you what you can do with entangling roots!!!!!

Tyrande: Boys, there is only one place where we can solve an argument like this. So let’s all calm down and go there now.

Later, on the set of another popular show.

Jerry Fightbringer: Welcome to another episode of Jerry Fightbringer. On today’s show, the topic is “My friend is an evil screw-up, and wants to dominate the world.” Let’s meet our next guest, Furion Stormrage.

Audience: Whoo hoo.

Furion: Thanks Jerry.

Jerry: Whats the problem, Furion?

Furion: Well, my brother is always stuffing things up. He is the one who allowed the Burning Legion into the world in the first place. Plus he never tips the waiter when we go out.

Jerry: And where is your brother right now?

Furion: Well, I was so pissed off that I imprisoned his ass back in this little cell underground.

Jerry: Well, actually, he is backstage, and he has heard every word you have just said. Let’s bring out Illidan now.

Audience: Boooooo!!!!

Note: In the interests of censorship, crude language will simply be represented by __.

Illidan: What the __ are you doing, you ___.

Furion: Bring it on, ___. Where have you been anyway?

Illidan: All up and down this bizzatch, you ___ ___ ____.

Furion: _____ that is _____.

Illidan: ____ ____ _____ ______________.

At this point the security brakes the incensed pair up, bringing an end to the argument, and, fortunately, to this incompetently plotted parody. Look out for chapter 2, which promises to be even more of a complete waste of time.