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Undead Follies Chapter 3
Story by Koss_Knights.
The night has come in full force. The land has become different, mortal men jump at shadows in the woods, children enter the safe abode of their homes, and the wild things begin to come out…but tonight, not even the most fierce some beast dare show its face, for there is a terrifying power afoot. Yes, the mighty infernal, glowing an eerie green in the pitch darkness scares away anything in its path, and crushes those who are brave enough to stand in its way. Tonight the infernal has fair game…brave, virtuous paladins defiantly stand up against the might of the infernal. They look at its tall, hulking bulk and show absolutely no signs of fear, for their spirit burns with the brilliance of the holy light. They fear not death, nor fear itself!
Paladin 1: Mommy.
Paladin 2: I think I pissed my pants.
Paladin 3: I still had so many churches to build before I died! And all those PTA meetings to attend!
All Paladins look at Paladin 3. Paladin 1 looks up at the infernal and announces:
Paladin 1: Just for the record, he’s the only one who goes to PTA meetings. So…you might want to kill him first…while we escape as you’re ripping the flesh from his bones.
Paladin 3: You guys suck.
The Infernal eyes every one of these paladins, and sizes them up. He comes to the conclusion that they are nothing but worthless bugs, to be crushed under his heel.
Paladin 5: I know. Let’s give him a nut.
Paladin 6: What are you, crazy? Infernals don’t like nuts!
Infernal: Huh?!
The Infernal, upon hearing that the paladins have nuts makes quick work of them. He slays each and every paladin indiscriminately and with haste, for he wishes to receive the Planters nuts. After slaying all but the paladin who offered him a nut, he arranges the corpses in the shape of the Mr. Peanut.
Death Knight: Whoa, that’s pretty artistic…in a gory, gruesome kind of way.
Paladin 5: Gulp! There’s only one problem! I don’t have a nut!
Upon hearing this, the Infernal sheds a tear, because he went to all the trouble carefully arranging the corpses, and found no nuts…
Death Knight: Aw, don’t feel bad! I bet you could bend his body into the shape of a nut! Cheer up!
Paladin 5: I don’t get paid enough for this!
And the Paladin was consumed in the unholy flames, which will always permanently surround the cold, hard shell of the Infernal.
Death Knight: Well, that takes care of that! Come on, let’s go. I need you for a shield, uh I mean traveling cohort.
Dreadlord: Where did all the pretty lights go?
Death Knight: I wonder if It’d be easier to just kill him and go on alone…? Ah, I suppose I’ll death coil him back to health… Death Coil!
The death knight aims for the dreadlord, but surprisingly it just bounces off him and hits a nearby tree. Almost immediately, the knight with the comatose horse falls out of the tree that was hit.
Knight: Oh, thanks a lot you bloody bastard! It was just coming out of the coma when you shoot it all to bloody hell with a death coil! Bah, I’ll just walk back to the castle.
Death Knight: What the hell were you doing in that tree anyway?
And from a dark bush near the Death Knight…
Necromancer: Psst…I know…
Death Knight: Gah! Get away from me you bunch of lunatics!
Knight: Oh, I’m a lunatic? Right, and that necromancer is Rob Zombie! Isn’t that right Mr. Fluffles?
Death Knight: Who in the hell are you talking to?
Knight: Mr. Fluffles! He’s right here in front of you! Can’t you see him! Stop staring at me like that I don’t like it!
Necromancer: Right click for hot, undead action!
Death Knight: Ahh! Get away from me!
Necromancer: Psst, our gold mine has collapsed!
The Death Knight snaps and goes into a murderous rage. He starts with the necromancer and then, his runeblade dripping with blood, cuts the knight into pieces.
Death Knight: WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?!
Dreadlord: …Well, that was uncalled for.
Death Knight: Oh, you finally decided to get up?
Dreadlord: I feel weak, but I think I can go on. By the way, I just noticed…you don’t have an unholy skeleton steed.
Death Knight: I knew I was missing something. …How can I get one?
Dreadlord: It’s not problem; I’ll just use AIM and message the Lich King.
Death Knight: AIM? What the hell?
Dreadlord: AIM stands for Azeroth Instant Messenger. Hold on, I’ll message him using my PDA.
Death Knight: Too…many abbreviations…rage…building…
The dreadlord logs on and checks his friend’s list. He’s in luck, for the Lich King is online!
Dreadlord (Bloop!): What’s up Ner’Zhul?
The Lich King (Bloop!): Just chilling. You?
Dreadlord (Bloop!): I’m doing fine! I was hit with 20 holy lights though. I’m fine, however. Don’t know how I’m still alive.
The Lich King (Bloop!): 20? >_<
Death Knight: What the hell does “>_<” mean?
The dreadlord waves him off with an impatient hand and goes on.
Dreadlord (Bloop!): So, how are you doing?
The Lich King (Bloop!): Well, the Frozen Throne would’ve been better with some sort of central heating, but some dreadlords played a joke on me and put in an air conditioner instead. I’m freezing in here.
Dreadlord (Bloop!): …well, it is a Frozen Throne. ;)
The Lich King (Bloop!): Oh shut up. :p
The death knight, not being Internet suave, looks at the smiley faces with great disgust.
Dreadlord (Bloop!): Listen, my cohort is a death knight, and he needs a skeleton steed. Got any left over?
Lich King (Bloop!): ^_^ Sure, I’ve got plenty. I even have a small shipment of the 2004 models. They come with a racing stripe on their backs, and a spoiler on their tail. 250 unholy horse power.
The Death Knight, driven insane by the bloops and smiley faces goes to the corner and starts banging his head into a nearby a tree. He bangs his head so forcefully; he rattles the tree…and out comes another knight, supposedly announcing things for the Alliance skirmish with the Orcs nearby from a safe distance.
Knight: “Our Allies hero has—whoa, ahhh!” plunk!
Death Knight: This is madness! I must kill everything that moves! Kill! Kill!
The dreadlord continues typing into his PDA, while in the background you can see the Death Knight flinging “announcers” left and right. He—hey, put me down! I’m not an announcer I’m a narrator! Get off of me!
Dreadlord (Bloop): Ok, so it’s all set! So the horse will be in the middle of the woods nearby here, waiting for us?
The Lich King (Bloop): Sure. ;)
Dreadlord (Bloop): :D Thanks.
Your friend, the dreadlord, signed off at 1:00 PM.
Dreadlord Police: Hey! What the hell?! How’d you get that PDA?! And what are you doing outside the Frozen Throne?!
The Lich King: I used the door…
Dreadlord Police: Oh damn it! Who designed his prison! There’s a door leading out of the Frozen Throne?
The Lich King: ….You saw nothing.
Dreadlord Police: Once we seal that door up, we’ll turn on the air conditioner…mwahahahaha!
Phew, finally got that Death Knight off of me! Never underestimate the power of pepper spray! Anyway….
With the half of the paladins of the Silver Hand dead and twisted into the shape of Mr. Peanut, the two ghoulish fiends travel onward, toward their destiny. Well, actually they’re just heading into the woods to pick up a skeleton steed, but after that, they’ll move on to destiny. And what of the Lich King? Only time will tell what happens…
Lich King (communicating using telepathy): Arthas! They’re turning on the air conditioner again! Quick! Head to Northrend, where my Throne lies, and free me from this torment!
Arthas: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Lalalalalalalalala! I can’t hear you! Lalalalalalala!
Dreadlord: You seem depressed…do you need a hug?
Death Knight: Whoa! Red light! What’s the matter with you tonight anyway!
Altar Assocation Represenitive: Hello, Uther the Lightbringer? Your Order of the Silver Hand is being renamed to: The Order of the Hand.
Uther: What?!