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Undead Follies Chapter 6
Story by Koss_Knights.
The Night Elves collide with the Undead Scourge
The central provinces of Lordaeron are in shock, for their mighty champion, Arthas has just slain their beloved king, who went through all the pains of having his loved countrymen executed for his own amusement, and tearing down homes, where suspected members of the cult of the damned were held, although between me and you, only 5 of the 500 people killed and burned at the stake were guilty of such a crime. Ah, yes…the nation is under great distress, for they do not know what next crazed monarch will give them hell on earth. In the meantime, two ghoulish undead heroes walk through the forest cautiously, for this area is widely known to belong to the Night Elf Sentinels. Having just failed to plague a nearby village, the two rest a while, discussing what went wrong. The wind is still, the forest silent, yet the peace is broken as they undergo a heated debate.
Death Knight: You’re a moron, there’s just no other explanation!
Dreadlord: How was I supposed to know my plague recipe was going to make cookies and ice cream!
Death Knight: You idiot, you got the “plague” recipe out of a cookbook! You poor, illiterate bastard! You made our necromancers risk their lives, searching for chocolate and whipped cream! Some of them had to kill rouge mages for those damn items, and it turns out they don’t make the plague they make sweets! It’s your entire fault!
Dreadlord: You fool! Don’t you see we’re still successful?! We may not have shipped out the right plague, but we’re still sowing corruption into the townsfolk’s lives!
Death Knight: Yes, our mission is accomplished the scourges purpose complete. We shipped out cookies to every freaking city in Azeroth and made everyone happy! Yay! Score one for the evil guys!
Dreadlord: Think about it….once they finish those sweets they’ll…
Death Knight: Blow up? Implode? Turn inside out and moan in agony? Become mindless zombies? Perhaps they’ll all become horribly disfigured and be doomed to an existence eating food through their nose, yes?
Dreadlord: ….No, I was thinking more in the line of cavities. Once they eat to their hearts content, they’ll succumb to the pain of their teeth. Yes, mwahahahahahaha!
Death Knight: Yes, your plague is so much better than the scourges! Screw killing them all; let’s give them cavities! Arrghh, you idiot! Just shut up, listening to you talk is draining my mana.
Just then, someone pops out of a nearby bush! Both heroes look and see…
Nash: I’m Nash! I’m going to be the greatest master of them all! Nothing will stop me in my quest! My Pokemon are invincible! Want to battle! Duel! Yes! Badges, must have….MoRe….mmm..BaDgeSssss! Wahahahahha!
Death Knight: Poor bastard, his mind must’ve snapped. Something must’ve got him in the forest. Looks so demented, drooling, and twitching like that. I wonder cruel, fiendish monster did this delightful act of horror?
Meanwhile, in the depths of the forest…
Paladin 4: Oh crap, where did that kid go? I only burned him a little bit with that holy light! Damn, I guess it takes two to fry a human. …. Hey, a squirrel! Here little squirrel, I won’t hurt you!
While back at the spot where the two undead heroes were resting…
Nash: …Must…get….BADGES!
Dreadlord: He’s getting closer, what do we do!?
Just then, Nash stops rather suddenly, and shouts: “Baby Turtle, go!” With that command, he throws a shiny, red ball in the center of the area all 3 are standing in, and out comes a little red turtle. Just then, Pokemon battle music starts to emit from the fanatics, I mean “Pokemon Master’s” stereo…
Death Knight: What the hell is that thing?
Nash: It’s my best pokemon! Wahahahaha! ?! Who said that?! Weeheehee! Who’s there?! Who’s laughing?! Hahahahhaa! I’ll find you!
Dreadlord: He’s more diabolically insane than all of the scourges heroes combined! He’s not the brightest of the bunch though…
Death Knight: Don’t worry, in my mind, you’ll always be the stupidest of them all.
Dreadlord: Aw, thanks! You’re so nic—hey wait a minute…
Nash: Red Turtle! Tail whip! You can do it! GO!
Death Knight: It’s official; he’s completely lost his mind. The turtle doesn’t even have a tail…
Nash: Ok, attack them with Bubble Spray!
The Red Turtle finally decides to listen, in the hopes of Nash shutting up, for during the duration of it being in the PokeBall, it was forced to listen to the inane rambling of it’s master. It walks carefully toward the Undead Heroes, sizes them up, and….
Red Turtle: Burp!
Silence from Nash…a few moments later…
Nash:. …WHOOOO! Great job! That ought to teach them!
Dreadlord: This is appalling. Can we just sidestep past this guy and continue on our journey? He’s not even looking at us, he’s facing the other way talking to himself again.
Nash: I summon….Bloated Badger!
The Bloated Badger comes out of his pokeball, and charges at the Death Knight!
Bloated Badger: Bloated! Yar!
Death Knight: It’s time to improvise!
All of a sudden, the Death Knight picks up his cohort, and holds him over his head.
Dreadlord: What are you doing!
Death Knight: Dreadlord…GO!
With that said, the Dreadlord is launched straight at the bloated badger, and strikes head on, forcing the critter to run back into its ball.
Dreadlord: Damn it, what the hell is wrong with you?! You didn’t have to throw me to kill that thing you know!
Death Knight, thinking: Rats, I missed the spiky tree stump by 2 feet. I guess I’ll have to kill him some other time, some other way…
The Dreadlord, brushing himself off, finds out he’s right next to the little turtle, who has decided to take a snooze.
Dreadlord: Ha! Little bugger! Sleeping aren’t you? Awww, how cute! You wouldn’t hurt a fly would you—Ahhh!
The turtle wakes up crabbily and bites the dreadlord in the nose, since it awoke to find his massivly hideous face in its view when it woke up.
Death Knight: Oh, this is too good to bear! I better get my camera!
But wait? No crazed cheers from Nash? Alas, he stumbled away in a different direction, never bothering to look back. Some say to this day you can still hear him wondering around in the forest, babbling aloud while his stereo plays the heinous pokemon theme song.
Dreadlord: One good place Carrion Swarm should take care of you….
Huh!? As the Dreadlord says this, the baby turtle evolves! It grows bigger, and larger, and more imposing by the second, until it becomes: Dragon Turtle! The Dreadlord, who turned around to give the Death Knight a thumbs up, (Whereas the Death Knight responds with a different finger…) now looks back to where the baby turtle was and finds a red toe…he looks up, and higher still, and now sees the great turtle.
Dreadlord: Oh, this isn’t good.
Death Knight: Summon your Infernal you moron!
Dreadlord: Good idea, INFERNAL!
The fiery green molten meteor crashes into the ground once more, but the dreadlord aims it so poorly that he summons it on a cliff nearby and when the meteor hits the cliff, it becomes unstable and crumples into a raging river below.
Dreadlord: Damn! And all the Dreadlords laughed when I said we should’ve taught our Infernals how to swim!
Dragon Turtle: Mmmm?
The Dragon Turtle is amazed by the spectacle the Dreadlord created, and starts stomping the ground for more! When it realizes it’s not going to get anymore, it’s tiny brain decides to fix things…by attempting to swallow the Dreadlord…whole.
Dreadlord: Stop looking at me like that! I’m not edible! No, no! Stay away! I can still summon bats and fruit flies at you! Carrion fruit flie—Yahh!
The Dragon Turtle unhinges its jaw, and pops the dreadlord in its mouth.
Death Knight: Come on! Chew him, chew him, chew him!
Dreadlord, muffled: Help me! Arrghhh! Ahh! Not there, not there! …. Ha! The tooth missed! Hahaha, o good lord! Owww!
Alas, the Dragon Turtle is a bit squeamish, and at hearing the fearsome Dreadlords girlish screams, he spits him out and stomps away. Unfortunately, it has a misguided sense of direction, and trips over a tree, falling over a steep ravine and falling into a portion of that same raging river the infernal crashed into.
Death Knight: Today is not my day.
Dreadlord: Yeah, but you’re lucky I’m still around. What would you do without me?
Death Knight: Actually start accomplishing something? Become the greatest Death Knight there ever was? Start—wait, what the hell?
Dreadlord: What?
Death Knight: Remember when we disguised ourselves to investigate that “plagued” village? Why do you still have the disguise on?
Dreadlord: It’s comfortable. Silky and smooth.
Death Knight: You mean to tell me that beneath that armor you wore that exotic dancer outfit this whole journey?! No, don’t bother dignifying that with a response.
Dreadlord: Let me just pick up the pieces of my armor and we can get a move on.
Death Knight: Time is running short, I’ll activate my unholy aura for a speed boost.
Dreadlord: Great, because my feet are killing me!
Death Knight: You’re wearing the high heels too, aren’t you?
5 minutes later, the dreadlord is travel ready, and the death knight turns on his aura. However, he then jumps on the dreadlords back…
Death Knight: Yah! Go, now! Move your lazy ass in gear!
Dreadlord: Wait, why do I have to carry you?
Death Knight: The aura takes up all my strength, I’m powerless while using it.
Dreadlord: But isn’t it a passive ability, requiring no mana at all to be used?
Death Knight: You’ve been reading the instruction manual again haven’t you?
Dreadlord: Yes. It’s very helpful.
Death Knight: Remind me to burn that book…along with you. Now run! Run like a…uh…(snaps fingers.) Like an unholy whale with dual aura flippers!
Dreadlord: Wait, that doesn’t even make sense!
However, the death knight doesn’t budge, and so he begins running along the forest path, with the death knight on his back.
In the meantime, on the other side of the forest, 3 night elf heroes are traveling through the forest…
Priestess of the Moon: Will you stop healing every dead plant you see! Get it through your thick head! This land is under blighted influence! It won’t do any good!
Keeper of the Grove: Ok, let me just take an hour or two watering this grove and I’ll be done…for the time being.
Priestess of the Moon: That magical water pitcher never runs out of water, right?
Keeper of the Grove: Yes, it’s enchanted by the moonwells of Kalimdor, and given to me by Cenarius himself!
Priestess of the Moon: May I be honored by seeing it? I want to glance at its unfathomably mystic beauty.
Keeper of the Grove: But of course! Here, but be gentle! It’s fragile.
Priestess of the Moon: Really? That’s great!
And before the Keepers eyes, she snaps the ancient pitcher in half, throws the two halves into the air, and shatters them into a million pieces with a well aimed arrow.
Priestess of the Moon: Ah! Much better! Shall we continue on our quest? And will you please stop bumping into me?!
Demon Hunter: But I smell evil spirits on you, and your trusty tiger…
Priestess of the Moon: That’s an excellent deduction Sherlock, seeing as we just fought through a horde of undead minions, ranging from Abominations to ghouls! And I did all the work myself!
Keeper of the Grove: I contributed greatly to the battle and I think I—
Priestess of the Moon: You shut up, ok? You looked at the first ghoul, mumbled that the flowers need tending at the garden and town portaled back to your den, while the Demon Hunter here charged a tree and attempted to cut it down, muttering: “Evil undead, you shall burn!” If it wasn’t for my starfall, we, ahem, me would be dead.
Keeper of the Grove: That still doesn’t justify you breaking my enchanted pitcher.
Priestess of the Moon: You’re right! Come here! I’ll break your bones instead!
Keeper of the Grove: Ha! You can’t touch me! I have a town portal! See you at camp, hahahahaha!
The Keeper of the Grove transports himself to the tree of life at the encampment using the scroll, but…
Keeper of the Grove: Hahahaha, that stupid Bit—
Priestess of the Moon: You finish that sentence and I’ll kill you much more painfully.
Keeper of the Grove: Oh, crap! You came with me?! Damn, I town portaled too soon! Eheh, we can forget about this little incident, right?
Priestess of the Moon: Sure, you can talk it over with the altar association when you die!
And so, once again, the Keeper falls in ahem, what the altar association claimed was a “valiant” battle, but we all know he screamed like a pansy whilst being ripped apart by the Priestess’s tiger.
Demon Hunter: Shh, it’s ok cuddles. It’s just the sound of war.
Huntress: Seriously though, someone should really tell him that critter is dead.
After being revived, the 3 heroes finally start their quest yet again. Hopefully, the Undead haven’t taken a foothold on this land while they were recuperating.
Keeper of the Grove: Odd, I don’t remember this part of the forest being so dead.
Priestess of the Moon: It seems the undead have advanced.
Necromancer: Hey! You’re stepping all over my corpse garden! Get out of here!
Priestess of the Moon: I’m sure the demon hunter, at least, will feel right at home in this elune forsaken place.
Demon Hunter: But there’s no undead here…
The Demon Hunter says this as the 3 heroes pass two abominations playing tennis in a nearby clearing.
While elsewhere, the two unsuspecting undead heroes take a moment to rest.
Death Knight: What’s that chained to your hip?
Dreadlord: Huff! Puff! It’s one of those “PokeBalls.”
Death Knight: What’s in it?
Dreadlord: I don’t know. Let’s see.
The Dreadlord pulls out the pokeball, and throws it. Out comes the fearsome bloated badger!
Bloated Badger: Bloated! Badger!
Death Knight: …oh great, Nash left us a surprise souvenir.
Dreadlord: I think it better go back into it’s little ball now.
Death Knight: Allow me.
The Death Knight takes the bloated badger and starts shoving it into the pokeball.
Bloated Badger: Bloated!
Dreadlord: I don’t think that’s the way to put him back in…
The two servitors of darkness occupy themselves by trying to put in the bloated badger to its rightful place. Will the Dreadlord ever become a true Pokemon master? Will the Night Elf heroes finally do battle with the undead, which they’ve eagerly awaited (except for the Keeper, he’s just a pansy) for all these years? Will Arthas ever get out of the tight spot he’s in and most importantly, who’s that mysterious chieftain, who’s still looking at the dead horse in the clearing, thinking deeply, almost as if meditating…or in a coma. Who is he?! Find out next time!
Demon Hunter: Who?
Keeper of the Grove: What’s a chieftain?
Dreadlord: Is that a sports drink?
Arthas: I know! It’s—
Yes? Who is this mighty figure?
Arthas: It’s—
What dark tales of woe and sorrow will he bring us?
Arthas: If you could just let me—
Find out when Chapter 7 comes!
Characters such as “Nash” and “Bloated Badger” parodied from Pokemon.